Friday, August 14, 1998

 

Raising the Y2K alarm

 

By Steve Madley, Ottawa Sun

  We don't want to wake anyone up at the Defence Department, or Ontario Hydro, or the banks, or anywhere else where the Y2K computer glitch could cause chaos, but let's hope they realize time is running out.

 

In fact, as Page Sixer Rick of Ottawa points out, this Wednesday, Aug. 19, is Y2K Global Awareness Day, set aside in hopes of alerting us that there are only 500 days remaining to hunt down and correct programs that will go berserk when computer clocks say they've hit the year "00."

 

Don't lose any sleep over this, but if the Russians are as broke as they claim to be, and they come begging for a bailout, do you think we should insist they spend at least some of the cash updating their missile launch computers?

 

Our thanks to Audrey N. of Nepean, who forwarded these winners making rounds on the Internet:

 

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

 

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

 

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

 

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

 

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as: "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

 

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

 

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

 

However, another group of computer scientists (all females) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

 

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

 

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

 

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have obtained a better model.

 

4. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

 

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

 

The following are purportedly actual excerpts from classified sections of newspapers:

 

- Illiterate? Write today for free help.

 

- Auto Repair Services. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

 

- Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

 

- Stock up and save. Limit: One per customer.

 

- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

 

- For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

 

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

 

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

 

- Great Dames for sale.

 

- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

 

- Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

 

- For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

 

- Man, honest. Will take anything.

 

- Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

 

DON'T "DIS" THIS

 

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that ...

 

Electricians could be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed? And won't all composers one day decompose? On a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will someday be devoted.

 

Thanks for the funnies Audrey, your Dinner and Movies for Two voucher for the best Page Six mail of the week is on the way. The Page is taking a break next week, but we'll be back Aug. 25, so keep in touch.